What To Expect: The Disturbing Years

...sure, you've all read about the rolling, strolling, walking, talking milestones, but no one wants to talk about this stuff, do they? Originally posted on Errant Parent.com, Fall Top Nine Contest runner-up.

9 MILESTONES ONLY SPOKEN OF IN WHISPERS

1.  Smears diaper contents on wall in perfect van Gogh-like swirls

            18 months

2.  Touches private parts in public with gusto and oblivion

            Girls: 12 – 36 months

             Boys: Well, good luck with that

For Balloon-Hating Moms Everywhere

An open letter to the man dressed in a tuxedo at the grocery store who - when staring straight at my 4 year old - asked if she could have a balloon:

Fringe Benefits, Part 4

. . . in which I continue my on-going series of thanking those who have helped me to and on my crazy parenting journey, in completely random order.

To the Swedish Adult Ed cooking instructor who unknowingly gave me a free-range metaphor for my well-balanced marriage when he demonstrated that that secret to efficiently frying chicken cutlets is to keep one hand dry while the other gets messy and wet in the goopy milk and egg mixture, a metaphor I struggle to keep in mind whenever my husband remains composed in situations which clearly warrant hysteria such as when urine is dripping down my daughter’s legs since she’s still in a swim diaper 2 hours after her class was canceled.

Tack så mycket, chef.

Parenting Essays I Will Someday Finish and Submit to Widely-Read Magazines...maybe

… in which I provide nothing but a bunch of titles of witty essays I want to write but have not gotten around to writing.

I attended the 11^th Annual Muse and The Marketplace Writing Conference this past weekend and am now inspired to finish the follow essays which I have handwritten on Netflix envelopes or school lice literature:

Setting Free The Bear: Searching for Meaning in The School Mascot Project

In which I describe Cricket’s week with Ballet Bear and how I was supposed to take pictures and write a report for what B. Bear did with our family and - having turned in no report at all last year - how I vowed to wow the other dancing school moms this year.  And how I failed again.