1. Good for
you!
Thank you, Way
Too Skinny Girl Dressed In Black Giving Me a Makeover: My girlhood dream was to be a pioneer in the midlife
motherhood movement. At age four I dyed my hair gray and told my Crissy doll
that I longed to be an arthritic mother-of-the-bride. How did you know?
2. You had her
when you were 44?
Dear Lithe One
In Jeggings Watching Me Wrestle With My Daughter’s Leotard and Tutu: Congratulations
on conquering simple math. Congratulations on getting married in your 20’s,
having 3 kids before the age of 30, and getting to ballet class on time with
all of your clothes on. Yes, I am 44 years older than my daughter. I don’t feel
like squabbling with semantics right now so let’s leave it at that. After all, it is the truth. But that
isn’t what you meant, is it? No. I
didn’t give birth to her. Yes, she is adopted. Are you happy now?
3. Any issues with eating and sleeping?
Dear Mr. Pediatrician Looking At Me Strangely And Taking Copious
Notes, I survive on a diet of leftover Dino-nuggets, and I wake up every night
worrying about BPA, preschools and potty training. Thanks for asking.
4. So, when are you going for Number 2?
Dear Distant Relative Who Feels Inclined to Discuss Fertility at a
Funeral: Halleluiah! I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me that! Just when I thought there were no
courageous souls left on the face of the earth, you come along, redefining the
rules of decorum to satisfy your curiosity. You go, girl! I mean it. Go. Away from me. We’re
finally out of diapers and tantrums and sleep deprivation. Why would I want to
start over? But why not? I could do it again. I have experience. I know how to
strain peas, make play dates, pack a diaper bag and leave the house in three
minutes flat. Thanks for reminding me of my daughter’s only-child status, which
I only think about when I am eating, bathing and breathing. Thanks for putting
the fun back in funeral!
5. Is that your
grandson?
First of all
Wal-Mart Greeter With Gender and Lineage Confusion, she is a girl and well, what the hell. Yes, I’m her grandmother.
6. What did you
do all day?
Dear Husband Who
Gets To Wear Shoes And Talk On The Phone: I did nothing of consequence and everything
of substance. I started a blog, the dishwasher, to cry, to bathe. I searched
for lost shoes, for nannies, for meaning, and found nothing.
7. Jump on the trampoline with me, Mommy!
Dear Daughter With Whom I’ve Vowed Never To Play the you-have-an-old-mom card: Can’t we just
cuddle on the couch and watch General Hospital?
...originally published on Babble.com and on More. A lot of the commenters thought I was mean and bitter. It was supposed to be funny. What do you think? Whatever it was, it started a lot of similar articles such as What Never To Say to A Mom Under 30.
3 comments:
I laughed OUT LOUD here at my computer in my quiet house at 54 minutes past midnight. And I RARELY laugh out loud--even when I think something's really funny! You go,girl!
The "knowing you" side of me found it hysterical! The side of me that read it as a person I have never met, found that some of the answers which I believe to be conversational questions were answered a bit harsh sounding considering the way the questions were asked. I haven't seen the pictures you said they posted with the article but it sounds about right given the way answers to the questions asked. I would never have pictured a Mom as sweet, organized and "all together" as you really are. But the article will certainly grab the attention of may readers! Just my opinion of course.....
Andrea I thought it was hysterical. Started my day with a laugh.
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