1. Good for you!
Thank you, Way Too Skinny Girl Dressed In Black Giving Me a Makeover: My girlhood dream was to be a pioneer in the midlife motherhood movement. At age four I dyed my hair gray and told my Crissy doll that I longed to be an arthritic mother-of-the-bride. How did you know?
2. You had her when you were 44?
Dear Lithe One In Jeggings Watching Me Wrestle With My Daughter’s Leotard and Tutu: Congratulations on conquering simple math. Congratulations on getting married in your 20’s, having 3 kids before the age of 30, and getting to ballet class on time with all of your clothes on. Yes, I am 44 years older than my daughter. I don’t feel like squabbling with semantics right now so let’s leave it at that. After all, it is the truth. But that isn’t what you meant, is it? No. I didn’t give birth to her. Yes, she is adopted. Are you happy now?
3. Any issues with eating and sleeping?
Dear Mr. Pediatrician Looking At Me Strangely And Taking Copious Notes, I survive on a diet of leftover Dino-nuggets, and I wake up every night worrying about BPA, preschools and potty training. Thanks for asking.
4. So, when are you going for Number 2?
Dear Distant Relative Who Feels Inclined to Discuss Fertility at a Funeral: Halleluiah! I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me that! Just when I thought there were no courageous souls left on the face of the earth, you come along, redefining the rules of decorum to satisfy your curiosity. You go, girl! I mean it. Go. Away from me. We’re finally out of diapers and tantrums and sleep deprivation. Why would I want to start over? But why not? I could do it again. I have experience. I know how to strain peas, make play dates, pack a diaper bag and leave the house in three minutes flat. Thanks for reminding me of my daughter’s only-child status, which I only think about when I am eating, bathing and breathing. Thanks for putting the fun back in funeral!
5. Is that your grandson?
First of all Wal-Mart Greeter With Gender and Lineage Confusion, she is a girl and well, what the hell. Yes, I’m her grandmother.
6. What did you do all day?
Dear Husband Who Gets To Wear Shoes And Talk On The Phone: I did nothing of consequence and everything of substance. I started a blog, the dishwasher, to cry, to bathe. I searched for lost shoes, for nannies, for meaning, and found nothing.
7. Jump on the trampoline with me, Mommy!
Dear Daughter With Whom I’ve Vowed Never To Play the you-have-an-old-mom card: Can’t we just cuddle on the couch and watch General Hospital?
...originally published on Babble.com and on More. A lot of the commenters thought I was mean and bitter. It was supposed to be funny. What do you think? Whatever it was, it started a lot of similar articles such as What Never To Say to A Mom Under 30.